Published March 21, 2008
I wrote this a rainy Thursday night for a friend. And yes, I deliberately didn't give either of them names, in case anyone was wondering.
They're eyes met across a party. It was dark, and techno music pulses incessantly in the background. Neither fit in, they both knew that within seconds of seeing each other. Him, with his long coat and mysterious allure, and him, sitting by the corner, wishing he was at home with a book. Both young, both confused, both searching for the answers to the questions that plagued the deepest recesses of their minds.
It's beautiful. It always is.
They're lips meeting, knowing the sheer thrill of forbidden pleasure, both loving the excitement and the danger. Electricity danced between them, their eyes burning holes in each other. They moved with the music in the black closet, holding each other close, both knowing how their friends would react, their family. And neither caring. Each one lost in the other.
It's unfair. It always is.
Their tryst discovered, enduring the torment and humiliation. Suddenly friends turned away, and even teachers became cold and distant. Their families sat them both down, explaining to them in patronising tones that this was a phase, a challenge, something to be overcame. Both nodded obediently in acquiescence, both sneering inside.
It's funny. It always is.
Ten years later, a black tie reunion. Them, a lawyer and an academic, holding hands, dressed flawlessly in Armani. The rest, looking on jealously, hands clutching champagne glasses until the knuckles turn white. They smile and glance at each other, triumph playing in their eyes. The same place where they met, only fancier now, and gentle classical music floats through the auditorium. Before they know it they're dancing again, but in the centre of the room now, and all eyes are fixed on them.
It's sad. It always is.
He, the dark and mysterious stranger who captured his heart so many years ago, lies weak and helpless on the hospital bed. Blinking lights and the quiet humming of machinery are in the background. The radio blares out tinny music, the latest pop. They hold hands, both crying. They're lips meet one final time. Then he's gone, and his lover is left alone, never to dance with him again.
It's life.
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140,597 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Thanks for all the positive feedback! It really is appreciated.
You really did well with this one! I mean, you said you didn't give them names on purpose but I think they don't need names. You made it so it was better leaving them anonymous. It just seemed to flow better that way. I'm glad you didn't give them names!
I really don't have any nit-picks for you. There was nothing wrong with it that I saw so thumbs-up to you
I was just wondering.....don't get me wrong though I do like it.
-em
I thought it was cute how they proved every onr wrong
Centre is the correct form of spelling in British English. And yes, they are gay, why?
center is spelld wrong...
Hey are they gay?
Just wondering....
-em
4 stars out of 5.
You did pretty well concerning composition. At first I was worried that you were doing paragraph/line/paragraph/line, and not linking them all together, but you did fairly well with that. The last paragraph [the last chunk of text, that is] disappointed me, though. It wasn't the right kind of twist, if you can understand. I felt cheated as a reader, felt like you just threw that in.
However, it's a story, and I'm just one input, but overall it popped out. I liked it. :]
Yes, normally, I don't do well with this type of fiction, but you handled it nicely.
--Seree.
This was so beautiful, I love the way you separated the paragraphs with sentences and how it ended...It's life. True brilliance!!!
Very good. I loved it. It flowed very nicly and the outlook on it was very good. Even if the tenses were a little off it looked fine to me. I didn't notice till after I read over it a few times. I hope to see more of your writing.
I actually love the fact that neither of them have names, they don't need them. I really think giving them a name may have been more distracting than anything. It's sad and dramatic but in such a beautiful way. I really adore it.
AAWW. I enjoyed this poem. Beautiful but sad. I Like it. A star for you!
Thanks. I know I flit from tense to tense a bit, I'll change that now. I really appreciate all the feedback
This is a nice piece; the rhythm flows smoothly, making the piece very easy going. I liked the diction of the piece, but the voice was dull. Maybe that’s just my preference.
Other than that, there was just one thing that I did not like in the piece: the line “It’s sad. It always is.” It seems out of place; all the other “It always is” lines describe the paragraph before them, but this one describes the one after. It throws the reader off, I think.
One last thing: you seem to change tenses a couple times. Try reading it aloud to catch where the tenses change.
Once again, nice job!
I loved the way you wrote this. And i liked your view on life. Also, I can see why you left out the names of the characters. Names weren't needed. I got the complete message, the story and didn't feel as if there was missing information. I rather liked the repetition of 'It always is'.
There was a steady rhythm to this story.
My favourite line:
Both nodded obediently in acquiescence, both sneering inside.
keep writing
This is really beautiful and really sad. I loved the repetition in this piece, it just brings the whole thing together for me at the end when it says 'It's life'
Just a few nit picks, i really didn't find much wrong with this.
- It was dark, and techno music pulses incessantly in the background
I think 'pulsed' would be better here. Pulses kinda throws the tense off a little i think.
- something to be overcame
Overcome. Overcame is past tense, i think overcome fits better as in this situation it it hypothetical future tense kinda. If you get what i mean. Ignore me if you don't lol.
Anyway, great job. Really moving.
Kadie xxx
This is beautifully written, but in the first two large paragraphs, you say "they're" instead of "Their"... just a little typo you might want to change.
But apart from that, very nice.
Hi idle muse,
I really enjoyed reading this. It took me a pragraph or two to get used to the piece and there were one ore two phrases that sounded a little cliché to me.
This for example. And the secong paragraph was also pretty close to the border.
I don't know, if I'd change it though, because I liked it better when I read it the second time.
After that you really had me. I really love the way you described everybody turning away from them and then the reunion. Ha! Loved it. The ending was very strong aswell.
The little sentences about life are great.
Keep up the good work!
~Kalliope
Whoa, that is really really sad, good, happy, and wow. I don't normally like this style of writing. But you did really well with it.